clits and giggles: a joke book for lesbian comedians

i was going to start another post with sorry as the first word but instead i got to the ninth word. my camera is in a state of refusal to turn on so when so much of my world is visual i'm finding it hard to find the words. that sounds like song lyrics....i'm finding it hard to find the words....what do i know though about music though, apparently i listen to music that girls listen to when they eat out other girls. burn. 

i've been reading a lot about existentialism lately. i find it really comforting. but that is sort of lost when i remember  i have to write an essay about something by wednesday. what is resonating with me is that we are constantly making our own choices about life. nothing is predetermined. we are terrifyingly free to choose our own fates. 

in a round about way, i think that may have been why i started this blog. i wanted to have proof, some kind of record of my choices. all we have in life is the choices we make. its not really about what job we have, or who you kiss goodnight. those things are by-products of the choices we make but they only have value to you if you actively decide them. and as we are terrifyingly free to choose our own fates, we have even more to worry about with our decisions.

i have new sense of appreciation for how much control i have. i grew up in a house filled with caution, with doubt. this is where i learned how to make decisions. 'its better to be safe then sorry' is a motto that still comes out of my mouth on a regular basis. real true honesty is much easy to think about in concept then applied to real life. i find it very hard to tell people close to me anything that they don't want to hear. about decisions i have half made, that i may or may not stick with tomorrow, that are just as certain as they are uncertain. 

and thats what really gets to me with existentialism -we have to constantly be remembering that we can always be choosing. there is no need for doubt because you can always change your direction tomorrow. yes, certain choices are irreversible  but we are just as free to right wrongs and make new roads in a different direction. decisions are less final and less daunting when i think about them this way. 

As winter comes to usher in the evening

sorry, i spent all last month glued to my computer. carrying it back and forth an hour on the bus, subway, bus. i'm done with exporting and rendering and clone stamping. the internet has lost its shine to me right now. its hard to bring myself to sit in front of the computer let alone be creative and write. 

neither one of my parents called to wish me good luck with my show, nor have i talked to either of them since. today is day four after the most important school/career experience of my life thus far. its crazy how important it is that i come home for christmas and wear a fake smile and pretend to like your food but you can't even remember about the one thing i have been talking about since september. whatever. breath. 

there seems to be a trend of people who i thought were close to me just suddenly forgetting about me. but don't be upset because i didn't think you would have come anyway. 

i did a bunch of things that i didn't expect to do today. i love making TO DO lists but i don't have enough will to stick to them. the purpose of making....ya...nevermind....no one gives a shit.

i'm spent. 

enjoy my favorite song right now. 

i'm going swimming tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is all. 

loving today

its over its over its over its over its over its over its over its over its over its over its over its over

Yesssssssssss, its really done.

and it went very well. i think i made an impression. i talked out my nerves and tried to initiate conversations instead of just explaining my ideas. this is not just a pretty face was my point. i have an opinion and i want to make change. its a fine balance between telling an industry professional how you want to improve advertising without crapping on the work they do everyday. 

it feels reallllllllly great to work towards a goal, put everything on the backburner for something important and to be able to accomplish what you want. i don't have an internship this morning, but i have some great feedback to change my portfolio around and work towards it as a tangible goal. i don't want to jinx anything but a former teacher/runs his own agency was there all day and night looking at books and told me he wanted to take four of us, me included. HAPPY NESS

also included in the happiness category is an avocado on my kitchen counter that i have been saving for perfect ripeness which to my delight will be this morning. happiness is not going to school today and taking a R E S T day. it is also not being hung over today even though it was open bar..all...day. one word: temptation. i have been so good not drinking my face off recently and to be talking to people who were sipping back red wine and cold beers and having to resist, resist and resist the free, free and free drinks was hard, hard and hard. i still managed to knock back three glasses of red before they closed the bar and kicked our drunk asses out where we proceeded to go to jack asstors and make constant cheers to being awesome. nothing like drunk college kids high on industry feedback to clear out a monday night bar crowd. 

an illustration that is making me smile by patrick moberg 

the birth of my portfolio. take one.

i'm so friggen close i can taste it. it tastes better then anything prepacked or on sale. this is true blood, sweat and tears.  i brainstormed it, i executed it, i evaluated it and i made the decision to go for it. these are my babies and now they have a proper place in a proper book, with a branded business card and a mother who isn't going to take no for an answer. i will defend them and improve them, but they are mine through and through and its lovely to see them looking so beautiful. 

together we will make a platform and an impression and will plea, PLEASE HIRE ME.

spin above my head and make it right

this is me. and this is a huge mountain in lake louise. 

this could accurately represent how much work i have to do. or maybe it represents the past, or maybe its an omen for the future. it may just be my state of mind this very second. or it could represent the time i climbed to the top of the mountain even though it was the scariest thing i've ever done, complete with a meltdown halfway to the top. or it could represent how little i feel in comparison to the real world of advertising. or maybe it represents throwing caution to the wind and driving away from everything i know with the hope that it couldn't be worse. 

or it could represent not having time to blog. 

<3

love ya! when you feel stressed, just imagine that soon we will be drinking red wine together in your apartment, and drinking chai tea at that new place near your house! xoxo

wasted time running scared when all love needs is to be believed in

06 Cowboys
sometimes i forget to breath. i forget that the world isn't going to end if i don't get a headline just perfect. i forget that other people can't see all the colours i see. i forget that i got myself here, and that here is where i want to be. i forget to make lists of all the things i DID. i forget to be thankful for forward momentum. i forget to smile at the people who scowl. sometimes i forget to say please before i say thank-you. i forget to savour. i forget that the future is the future and the present is what's important. i forget that its my life, and if i'm happy with the result, then that should be the highest standard. i forgot how good tea with milk and sugar is. 
04 Sundays

you dig yourself a dream

do you have things in life that you know you shouldn't care so passionately about, but it it just beyond your control to stop it? 

I CAN'T STAND CLUTTERED DESKTOPS

and i don't mean the top of your desk, i mean the main background on your computer. so here is a nice sunday project for you. 

first step: Organize!!!

make folders and put files in the right folders. i heard a rumor once that having too many things on your desktop makes your computer run slower. i have no facts to back that up but why take the risk?

ahhhhhh...much better. now it the fun part!

find a new picture!!!!

too lazy even for that? okay I will do the work for you.. here are some of my favs... from picaboo backgrounds

and ta! da! your life is forever changed and more productive. your welcome. 

ps. notice the time...less the 10 minutes. YOU CAN DO THIS. and i won't have to hyperventilate anxiety attack every time i look at your computer. and YOU will be more productive and organized. and it will probably make your karma better, just throwing it out there. 

oh and p.s. counting crows have a new album out. i haven't even memorized the songs yet and i already love it. 

annabel & olive, crafts and cookies

it seems like every other sentence that comes out of my mouth these days is,

"Lets (insert fun, relaxing, time consuming activity here), but after my portfolio show, okay?!" 

and since my memory is non-existent (definitely not because of pot, i think i read somewhere that pot has no effect on memory..long term? or maybe it was short term? i can't remember pass me that bong eh?) i present to you a list of all the fun things i am putting off in order to get this shit done...in no particular order.

redesigning my blog header

decluttering my apartment

taking a bunch of out of season clothing home

watering my plants

writing letters to best friends in far away places

drinking whisky and red wine daily (its not a problem if you can stop!!)

cleaning my blinds

doing this in my front hall:

phoning my nana

actively emailing people about an internship

looking for a waitress job for christmas

painting my nails

framing some things around the apartment

christmas shopping

having friends over for dinner parties

looking for a kitchen table and chairs on craigslist

making veg chili in my crock pot

various projects for other classes that i haven't even given one thought

backing up my hard drive on the external

are you still reading this? 

now don't get any ideas but i found this the other day. is it bad that i love a lot of these names? they sound so innocent, and so intriguing. i want to get to know people with these names. but hell, by the time i start having kids maybe these will be really over-used. if thats the case then i could see incorporating one of them into my pottery store and cafe/bakery name, or possibly using one for my hypothetical small furry white dog with blue eyes and knitted collar. 

and this concludes this morning episode of procrastination station. have a productive day!