Red Food Colouring

you know that feeling, when something is on the tip of your tongue and you can see the word but you just can't grasp it. somehow you remember how many syllables it has but not what it starts with, you can see the shape of the letters but not what they spell? 

you force your mind to focus and squint and it doesn't matter because it is just out of your reach. 

you try and sound it out. you think of words that mean the same thing. all of the other words in the world that mean the same thing - but not that word. 

all you need is a letter. a sound. a hint. 

you can taste it but its not real. 

the best thing to do is stop. 

step away. 

and it will come to you, in a bright flash of clarity. and you will catch it and hold it, and keep it. its yours -you earned it. 

i learned the first time not to let it go. then. i learned that lesson again. and now. its back to that illegible stage. and i want it back. 

i know what it means. what it stands for. what else might be a substitute for it. its sometimes this, except when it this and there's times when its this, but its never going to be this. 

but there is a word that fits perfectly. 

and its on the tip of my tongue.