i'm going to blog this

blogging. 

its a weird beast isn't it? 

Personally, I struggle with how much to share on this space. what is too personal to write about? I started this blog five (FIVE) years ago with the purpose of journaling my life. It was a step up from my livejournal account and when I began it was very very personal. I shared inner struggles and hard times. it wasn't pretty. 

I don't regret posting those feelings. I am glad I can go back to them now and remember how and what I was feeling at the time. many people write in a diary...I wrote on my blog. it was never 'promoted' I didn't tell anyone about it. it wasn't for anyone else to read really, I could just type faster then I could write my thoughts in a book. 

A lot of my family found out I even had a blog when I wrote my thesis on blogging and thought it was fitting to 'blog' my work. I was given positive reviews but it switched something inside for me. this was no longer my private corner of the internet (and you could argue that no part of the internet is private) but something that I would be held accountable for, from my family. 

I've had people say "well its on the internet, it can't be private" but I would like to argue that at that time it WAS. five years ago many people had never heard of a blog, and facebook didn't even exist. there was no way that anyone was going to find it unless I told them. I didn't use real names, I had a separate email for the account. it WAS private. 

I remember one Christmas my aunt said "Hello red food colouring!" I was floored. I was embarrassed. I was relieved. My secret was out. I was no longer able to use this space as a personal dumping ground and to  say anything that I didn't want to be accountable for in real life. I took almost 8 months off from blogging. 

I knew whatever I posted on here it was like writing a group email to my family every time. the posts became less emotionally oriented and more carefree. its always been and will continue to be a personal blog. its about my life, its about my thoughts, my opinions, it will never be anything else. I have just chosen to censor myself to know if I wouldn't talk about this with my mom in real life, I am not going to talk about it on here. 

Recently I was in an interview and my blog came up, (it was a social media related job, so this was natural) and she asked for the URL. I stammered. Part of me was so used to protecting this space. I obviously told her and have no regrets (although I did warn her not to go too far back in the archives or it might get a bit emo). 

I also don't want this space to become all rainbows and sunshine because a) I don't enjoy reading blogs like this and b) my life is SO not always awesome. No one's is! so to blog like that makes me feel fake. 

this topic doesn't really have a conclusion. I have always blogged and will continue to blog. I hope that people realize this is an outlet for me. this is my way of thinking out ideas and getting feedback from the world. its something I enjoy doing. I enjoy the connections that I make through blogging. 

expect more sunny days on here though, my life is pretty great right now.