Saturday, May 31, 2008

chased the spotlight into her arms

so. its been a while.

I'm going to write about all the awesome and surprisingly satisfying things I accomplished since last being here individually because there is going to be lots of pictures.

but something different is going on that i want to talk about. it feels like i have never been so connected with my body then i have in the past little while. I'm not exercising really, i'm not stretching. nothing like that. Its more internal, like a temporary calm. I am better at feeling this way when I am by myself, being around other people and in public is different. I am realizing that not very often do I ever really feel calm. i think i appear pretty calm to other people and my personality itsn't intense. its just inside me is constantly buzzing in a some way.

most of all day every day i have anxiety. just constant fear of nothing. actually i take that back its really more of a fear of everything, but nothing in particular.

I don't know what to do about this. should i do anything even. i'm not really into taking medication for anything, especially something that would obviously change my mood. and the thing is, realistically i know i have lived with this since i started living so i don't really know any different. and hell there have been times when i think i have lived on the anxiety to get me through some things.

but the reason i wanted to talk about this wasn't because i wanted an answer for it. Its because now i have identified it, named it, know it, realize it and acknowledge it; I feel like its more of a piece of me. its part of what makes me and it effects me in my interactions with other people. and i am going to try and limit its control over my life because even though i don't know any different, i feel like less anxiety is better.

and so this is my new project and its been a long ass time since i did anything serious for me but i'm going to change that now.
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