I have a confession. I am really liking this time of year. Its not usually my style, all cold and grey and unpredictable out there. but right now in these moments I am finding a lot of happiness.
I have time to have conversations with friends. I am able to work hard at my schoolwork and not feel overwhelmed. I am enjoying going to the gym and seeing changes in my body. I love spending time with Peter and we have been just laughing our heads off always. He's been working so much and so hard and it makes me uncontrollably proud to see that. We've had lots of friends over and served good food and played cards (Wizard, favourite game ever) around my new kitchen table. It feels like family. like home. like a great time.
This is a delicate balance. once the weather warms up there will be more obligations. more places to visit and less time to decompress. more deadlines to meet and the stress will be higher. the potential 'dream job' will be looming.
I am going to enjoy these moments because they are mine to have now.
I've realized something very important. my future planner self needs to step back. I think of all these scenarios in my head, like what my job will be, how my husband will be, how many kids we will have and in what city. my future planner then looks at today and feels like it needs to hurry up. to set those wheels in motion. I see something that doesn't fit with future planner self's vision and I freak out. Its an irrational panic because there is nothing in this moment that is wrong, just a potential flaw in future planners vision that could potentially change things. BUT AT THIS MOMENT there is only THIS MOMENT. If I am happy now, I can live with that. If I am looking forward to tomorrow, then I will be ready for it. I have to calm down, take a deep breath, ask myself, but are you happy right now? and if the answer is yes then I need to chill out.
I always have the opportunity to change things. Why I am so nieve to think that I know today what my future self will want? I won't get existential on this matter, but if I can make myself happy in this moment, I will have the opportunity to do that later as well. Life is not linear. I can't check something off my to do list today for the rest of all time. Life takes turns, it is unexpected. I can only take comfort in being happy in this moment and the foreseeable future. If later on I am not happy, it will not be present selfs fault. I will make the decisions my heart wills me to make and treat those around me the best. that is all I can do. there is reality in future planners life, there is only the small and insignificant choices I make today and everyday and the life I am happy with at that moment.