without going there. i'm going to go there.

i realized something today while looking around my completely clean apartment. the one with all the pictures hung on the walls, all of the surfaces wiped or scrubbed or mopped. i looked at all the things i de-cluttered, reorganized, brightened, and repurposed. all the work i accomplished in the past two days. 

i don't give a shit. 

it doesn't give me any satisfaction to have climbed to the top of my to do list. there is always another list started on a new page. there is always something. 

today i realized that i will never satisfy myself. i'm not one of those people that can accept things. some people call it drive, i think its going to make me go crazy. 

so for everyone in my life. you will never be good enough. you'll probably disappoint me at some point and i will act like i was expecting it. because i was. because that makes the constant disappointment in myself seem bearable.