you'll grow to love me even more and well i'm not surprised

some days i assess and determine i'm doing well. others not so much. some days are up and productive and sometimes little things like the garbage being full or the water jug being empty are all it takes to throw me into a 'i can't do this, i'm not doing this, where is my life going' tizzy.

but enough about that. because today is a good day. want to know why?

because not only did i have enough money to pay my rent, i also remember to do so on time. because most of the dishes are done. because i am drinking a free latte. because i am getting paid to blog right now. because i get to wear a costume tonight. and FINALLY because i am going to my very first kegger tonight. (yes i am 21 years old and have never been to a kegger before, but thats alllll going to change)

oh and see those cute little ads in the side bar and at the bottom of the page? well ...should any of those things catch your interest, feel free as the wind to click on them and give me a way to pay my hyrdo bill this winter. spanks.

and since doing nothing at work translates to reading blogs, here is the cutest one i found with an idea that i really wish i had thought of. ..

from The Sweety Pie Press...she used the inside of old or recycled security envelopes to make these very adorable buttons. and all the envelopes had to be used, no wasting new envelopes, a true example of reuse -an R often overlooked in favour of reduce and recycle.

in conclusion, my desk is very close the Information Technology department and i'm not sure of the whole story but i think someone is dealing with some kind of website code. anyway every two seconds someone is screaming B.L.T. out and if this keeps up i am going to need emergency resuscitation from shoving crazy amounts of bacon down my throat.
i know, i'm soooo sexy.

city kids go to the country: a book on tape

please forgive my unfrequent blogging, its not you its me. 

school and brainstorming and campaigns and photoshop and websites and portfolios are running my life right now. and also my computer just told me last night its 'startup disk' was full so thanks a lot computer thats a really opportune time you chose to not be able to save things. no worries i have an external i just don't have the time to actually transfer the stuff. 

these pics are from last saturday, decided to go a on a little road trip to cheer a up a friend. i needed the break just as much as he needed the excitement i think. haha. 

i'm not ready for november. i've been dreading november for three months now. november 24th is my portfolio show night. so much to do soooooo little time. caffeine is my drug of choice, i don't have time to be stoned and sluggish. 

this weekend will be my last before i go into lock down mode. please be advised this blog is not going to see much action during this time. everything is on the line. make or break baby cakes. 

oh and i thought i ruled out going to BC for the internship because of practicality and now i'm reconsidering it because of existentialism. 

good night, sweet dreams.

and it did because of me

oh hi! its you, blogface!

i wish i could say i have been out and about, seeing the sights and feeling the sounds. 

but no, the majority of my time has been parked here on my couch. staring at this computer screen. typing my life away. flicking the baseball volume up and down. 

playoffs are so intense. every move is so important, so pivotal. every second slowly crawling into the next. 

having a baseball game going on in the background is one of the most relaxing and comforting things for me. and that is very welcome right now. the rest of my life feels like i am constantly grasping for control and understanding. i know the answers are in me and i'm pretty sure i am close to getting to them but i have no proof. nothing to really go by. 

a mentor would have been nice, someone older or at least wiser about the ways of the world. there used to be people i would take examples from, try to emulate. as i grew up i started to resented most of these people. the problem lies in telling me no. i grew up with a mother that said no to everything. not always in a bad way but if i ever told her something, her first response would be a problem i hadn't thought out. right to the point. so i'm used to that kind of backbone. i find myself doing the same thing..but being aware of it helps i think (i hope). but what that means is that i'm immune to no. i spent my life creating answers and finding the solution. the magic combination that makes no a yes. 

thats where the control lies. 

whats done is done. i don't have the energy to get into it.

unlike the day these photos were taken. when apparently i had enough energy to run around the yard like the six year old i really am. 

reading adbusters might be bad for my career. or maybe just my inner conscience.

continual economic growth is only possible if needs are constantly diversifying to create new markets. there is a necessity for ever more diverse needs so that ever more specific products can be devised to meet them. advanced capitalism maintains itself by fostering spurious individualism, pressuring us to define ourselves through our purchases, with ever more precisely marketed products that create a fetishistic concern to have 'this' rather then 'that', even when there is no significant practical or aesthetic difference. it profits from the dissatisfaction and rage that are engendered by unreal social comparisons, encouraging us to fill the consequent psychic void with material goods and drugs of solace (alcohol, illegal drugs, food, nicotine). 

money can even be made from restoring the chemical imbalance in our brains that result from these overheated ambitions and false identities, selling pills and therapeutic services to the damaged and subordinated. capitalism does very nicely at both ends. it creates misery, and it cures it. our inner lives foot the bill. 

-Oliver James, Adbusters Vol 11 No 5  

words unspoken

i consider myself very lucky to have met the friends i have in my life.

there are four of us, always and forever. i think it was our early adoption of the 'i don't give a shit what you think' philosophy that initially brought us together. if i can remember correctly there aren't too many grade nine students who made up their own holidays just to give a friend a special day, or four girls who could share two lockers because all that mattered was they were close together. after eight years of growing up together i consider them sisters.

last year we lived together for eight months, and it was by total fluke and coincidence. during the time we were in the manning house i was constantly reminded how special these girls are to me and how much better my life could be when it was filled with laughter. i was thankful for those times together even as they were happening and now they are over...i really miss them.

i knew i would miss the constant company, the never ending laughs and the shoulders to cry on. i knew my life would be different once there wasn't someone within five steps of me who could offer inspiration or a new perspective. the time that i lived in the manning house was filled with change for me, people who had supported me in the past were no longer by my side everyday. it was the beginning of what i have come to know as me.

i didn't know it when i lived in manning but what i really miss most is the understanding. these girls have complete understanding of me and my life. they know the good the bad and the ugly and i could tell you each of their stories as well. they know the past experiences, the rational, the highs and certainly the lows. the point i am trying to get to is that in these days of confusion with a pinch of sadness venting to anyone but these girls isn't worth it. i can't explain to anyone how deep my love for a person is, i can't tell all the details of our experiences together, how our bond is above superficial things like time and space. they just don't get it. they can't understand why i am waiting around for my prince charming, there is no words to justify it -i just know.

to bring this full circle, tonight i found myself with a pool of tears in my lap and no shoulder to lean on. and it was then that i realized how important deep friendship is and how what you don't have to tell your friends is really the most important part of the relationship.

and ginger and whisky lived happily ever after

yesterday i took the day off school. not because i was sick, or because i had any good excuse. i wish i could say it was because my allergies were bugging me or because i needed the sleep or even because i was doing something better with my time. 

but no. 

i didn't get out of bed until 2pm and from there migrated to couch position. at about 4 i decided i needed caffeine if i was going to make anything count this day. smoked a bowl, threw some laundry in, put relatively clean clothes on my body and wandered down to bloor street. 

once the caffeine hit the system it was pretty much a brand new day. A DAY OF DELICIOUS PIZZA. warning: the following pictures are mouth fucking watering.

my friend jon was the first torontonian(sp?) to call me yesterday so he got a dinner invite over for the most amazing thing that i've ever made in my toaster oven. the toppings are just too good to go unnamed so here they are in no particular order. tomatoes, garlic, roasted red peppers, feta, spinach, brocolli, spicy sausage, onions, mozza, and cheddar cheese stuffed crust (such a good idea, why haven't i thought of that before? way better then pizza huts stuffed 'looks like cheese, tastes like cheese but i can tell this isn't really cheese' crust). jon nixed the black olives but it was tasty all the same. 

i think its really cute when guys are so easily impressed with food. food is only about planning, once you can plan it out actually making it is a breeze. guys don't really make things with recipes. at least not the ones i know. i don't think men in general realize what a turn on it is for a girl when a guy can cook. maybe its just me, but i feel pretty confident in saying that most girls would swoon over any man that can whip up an amazing meal for you -without asking a million questions or dirtying every single dish in the kitchen.

jamie oliver is knows what i'm talking about. 

today was mother natures way of saying i'm sorry

and i accept that apology and look forward to the next time you fuck up. 

i took a lot of whimsical pictures at the cottage. went for a walk, by myself. sounds sad but it was nice to be able to wander around and not have people care should you decide to stand in the middle of the road and take pictures of your shadow. 

fall is really a beautiful time of year. i might want to get married in the fall some day. the leaves are so intense, it makes you appreciate them after you've taken them for granted all summer. 

"our target market was exclusively dave's friends"

Today i was feeling crafty and since all the dishes were done, the clothes were put away, the floors were swept and the groceries bought, i dusted off the aquarells and made homemade wrapping paper! 

aquarells are what happened when watercolour met pencil crayons and they are also the love of my life. 


this weekend should be a lot of fun. two birthdays and one turkey dinner. dc is coming into the t dot friday night, and then we are going to for sushi island to stuff our all you can eat faces for 11.99. saturday is the BARFDAY festivities and sunday is 'i hope i'm not too hung over to ride the train up the to cottage' day. where i will eat and drink my hangover away and prance in crunchy fall leaves. 

thanksgiving is happy because its very cozy at the cottage that weekend but also sad because its when we close it for the winter. i am looking forward to making leaf piles and then jumping in them, hot apple cider and all my moms family being together. 

okay weekend, i'm ready for you. 

but i like watching you undress, and i think we're at our best

today is a no tv day. 

probably should have been more productive but c'est la vie. 

yesterday i learned in my 'campaigns' class how to present ideas to a client. without boring you with details of how to structure the presentation, i would like to say i have a huge problem with the concept of the presentation in the first place. when you turn on the tv are you briefed with what goals this ad is trying to achieve? no. are you presented with data on how the target market responds to blond hair 32 year old moms? no. your sitting on your ass, thinking how shitty commercials are and praying another doesn't come on. its presented to you in a blur of other commercials flying past you and your hardly even listening, much less remembering. 

so why, when showing an ad to the people who are going to be the most attentive, the most knowledgeable on the product and the most brand savvy do i need to fill them up with bullshit they already know first? 'so as you can see here in the brief, we wanted to let the consumer know your car is the most fuel efficient car in its class so we decided to......blah blah blah'. in real life no one gives a shit about your commercial and thats how they should be judged every time. 

our teacher told us to sell it to the client like lawyers cross examine a witness. instead of asking them 'did you murder him?' and give the witness an easy ride to NO. you ask them, did you go out the night of october 8th? yes. did you get in your car? yes. did you drive down this road?yes.  did you pass this house? yes. did you stop? yes. did you get out of your car? yes. did you see mr. john? yes. and so on and so on until you have made them admit to so much already that they can't possibly say they didn't commit the murder. so... basically i am supposed to stand up in front of the client and say, did you want your ad to resonate with the consumer? yes. did you want the tone to be serious? yes. did you want there to be a call to action at the end? yes. did you want car to be featured? yes. and once they have agreed to all of these things and see that you have done them in your ad they can't possibly tell you your ad is bad and not buy it from you. 

BUT THAT IS BULLSHIT 

you can't make your ad for the client. you have to make it for the dumb bitch drinking diet coke on the couch and eating rice crackers. because thats who is seeing it. thats who you want to see it and thats who you want to make an IMPRESSION on. (and as dumb as this bitch is, shes seen a lot of ads and getting anything to stick in her brain isn't easy). 

in theory i can understand why i should try and sell my ideas to the client like this. if they understand your thinking they will arrive at the same conclusion you did. but this doesn't happen in the real world and i don't understand why it should happen in the board room. i've been told that 40% of my career in advertising will be coming up with ads and 60% will be selling them to the client. what a waste of time. 

(and yes, this rant may have stemmed from bitterness because my presentation skills aren't top notch and i still get all queasy thinking about talking to real clients about why they should choose to pay my rent this month)

internet overdose

new day, new mood.  

here is a big fat dose of the WORLD WIDE WEB and a look into the safe for work section of history of my trusty safari browser. 

sorry, the formatting on this post is shit but i'm a lazy fuck and need to get my ass in the shower now

____________________________________

how cool is this? (didn't actually get to see too much of nuit blanche but I DID have a great time and a hangover the next morning)

Farah Yusuf & Alex Stephan, r u part of the art? Photo: Aubrey Arenas

r u part of the art?, 2008 nuit blanche

Farah Yusuf - Toronto, Canada
Alex Stephan - Toronto, Canada

Conceptual intervention

Text 'yes' to 647-989-7707. The public is invited to subscribe to mobile text alerts that are sent to their cell phones at regular intervals over the course of the night. The text messages are instructions that they are asked to perform -- some will require acts that are social or demonstrative in nature, while other instructions are vague and introspective. By allowing the collaborative unpredictability of the user experience, the interpretation of the work is entirely in their domain. It is at once both public spectacle and private contemplation. "r u part of the art” investigates the social dimension of participation in this highly networked culture. The use of the cell phone and text messaging as the delivery medium provides an immediacy of execution that transcends spatial boundaries. Participation is a key element to the piece. Whether that participation is physical or symbolic, the goal is to blur the line between performer and audience. No premium mobile fees apply to use this service. Regular carrier charges apply as per your individual service contract.

__________________________

What am i going to make for the birthday festivities this weekend? Thai meatballs in a coconut milk, peanut curry sauce.

_______________________

Researching articles for my speech on eating LESS meat. not eating no meat. just less. if your looking for motivation as to why this is a good idea not only for your own health but also the health of the one and only planet we have, look no further. Rethinking the meat guzzler by Mark Bittman

__________________

david suzuki's daughter, Severn Suzuki (at 12) giving the speech the UN should have really listened to. in 1992. 

its not the internet thats slow, its you

writing this is a struggle. i feel very disconnected and out of touch with reality. reality is way to big to look in the face right now. i enjoy the little world i have built for myself, my hybernation instinct is kicking in. and the world is such a daunting place to understand. to grasp. to achieve in. 

i feel very polarized right now. two pieces pulling in opposite directions. they are always the extremes, never working together. i wake up and can either take on the world or cant. no middle. i feel okay about it most days because majority are good days.

and the days that aren't, well they don't really count for anything now do they? they might as well not exist because i don't interact with them. i talk, i walk, i eat and drink lots of coffee but nothing gets in. i can't learn on these kinds of days. no lateral thinking whatsoever, the switch is just not on. 

and what is there to do about this? nothing. ...make up for them on the good days.

 

and really thats the whole problem right there, just looping back into the circle. the cycle. bad days mean making up for it on the good days, getting dirty and getting it done. which in turn makes bad days seem farther from good days and every time it gets further and further apart. 

until when? does it break apart? do i become one person and not the other? there is a strong suspicion in me this will never stop, never finish. 

i wouldn't want it to be over. i wouldn't know when things are supposed to be done. i wouldn't be able to budget my time if i always had time for everything. this gives me a sense of purpose, and urgency. i can think in my head..today is a good day, a day that i will get this list of things done, a day i will make lists, lots of lists with the only purpose of making the list shorter. 

but days like today are not those kinds of days.