its not the internet thats slow, its you

writing this is a struggle. i feel very disconnected and out of touch with reality. reality is way to big to look in the face right now. i enjoy the little world i have built for myself, my hybernation instinct is kicking in. and the world is such a daunting place to understand. to grasp. to achieve in. 

i feel very polarized right now. two pieces pulling in opposite directions. they are always the extremes, never working together. i wake up and can either take on the world or cant. no middle. i feel okay about it most days because majority are good days.

and the days that aren't, well they don't really count for anything now do they? they might as well not exist because i don't interact with them. i talk, i walk, i eat and drink lots of coffee but nothing gets in. i can't learn on these kinds of days. no lateral thinking whatsoever, the switch is just not on. 

and what is there to do about this? nothing. ...make up for them on the good days.

 

and really thats the whole problem right there, just looping back into the circle. the cycle. bad days mean making up for it on the good days, getting dirty and getting it done. which in turn makes bad days seem farther from good days and every time it gets further and further apart. 

until when? does it break apart? do i become one person and not the other? there is a strong suspicion in me this will never stop, never finish. 

i wouldn't want it to be over. i wouldn't know when things are supposed to be done. i wouldn't be able to budget my time if i always had time for everything. this gives me a sense of purpose, and urgency. i can think in my head..today is a good day, a day that i will get this list of things done, a day i will make lists, lots of lists with the only purpose of making the list shorter. 

but days like today are not those kinds of days.