and it did because of me

oh hi! its you, blogface!

i wish i could say i have been out and about, seeing the sights and feeling the sounds. 

but no, the majority of my time has been parked here on my couch. staring at this computer screen. typing my life away. flicking the baseball volume up and down. 

playoffs are so intense. every move is so important, so pivotal. every second slowly crawling into the next. 

having a baseball game going on in the background is one of the most relaxing and comforting things for me. and that is very welcome right now. the rest of my life feels like i am constantly grasping for control and understanding. i know the answers are in me and i'm pretty sure i am close to getting to them but i have no proof. nothing to really go by. 

a mentor would have been nice, someone older or at least wiser about the ways of the world. there used to be people i would take examples from, try to emulate. as i grew up i started to resented most of these people. the problem lies in telling me no. i grew up with a mother that said no to everything. not always in a bad way but if i ever told her something, her first response would be a problem i hadn't thought out. right to the point. so i'm used to that kind of backbone. i find myself doing the same thing..but being aware of it helps i think (i hope). but what that means is that i'm immune to no. i spent my life creating answers and finding the solution. the magic combination that makes no a yes. 

thats where the control lies. 

whats done is done. i don't have the energy to get into it.

unlike the day these photos were taken. when apparently i had enough energy to run around the yard like the six year old i really am.