clits and giggles: a joke book for lesbian comedians

i was going to start another post with sorry as the first word but instead i got to the ninth word. my camera is in a state of refusal to turn on so when so much of my world is visual i'm finding it hard to find the words. that sounds like song lyrics....i'm finding it hard to find the words....what do i know though about music though, apparently i listen to music that girls listen to when they eat out other girls. burn. 

i've been reading a lot about existentialism lately. i find it really comforting. but that is sort of lost when i remember  i have to write an essay about something by wednesday. what is resonating with me is that we are constantly making our own choices about life. nothing is predetermined. we are terrifyingly free to choose our own fates. 

in a round about way, i think that may have been why i started this blog. i wanted to have proof, some kind of record of my choices. all we have in life is the choices we make. its not really about what job we have, or who you kiss goodnight. those things are by-products of the choices we make but they only have value to you if you actively decide them. and as we are terrifyingly free to choose our own fates, we have even more to worry about with our decisions.

i have new sense of appreciation for how much control i have. i grew up in a house filled with caution, with doubt. this is where i learned how to make decisions. 'its better to be safe then sorry' is a motto that still comes out of my mouth on a regular basis. real true honesty is much easy to think about in concept then applied to real life. i find it very hard to tell people close to me anything that they don't want to hear. about decisions i have half made, that i may or may not stick with tomorrow, that are just as certain as they are uncertain. 

and thats what really gets to me with existentialism -we have to constantly be remembering that we can always be choosing. there is no need for doubt because you can always change your direction tomorrow. yes, certain choices are irreversible  but we are just as free to right wrongs and make new roads in a different direction. decisions are less final and less daunting when i think about them this way. 

As winter comes to usher in the evening

sorry, i spent all last month glued to my computer. carrying it back and forth an hour on the bus, subway, bus. i'm done with exporting and rendering and clone stamping. the internet has lost its shine to me right now. its hard to bring myself to sit in front of the computer let alone be creative and write. 

neither one of my parents called to wish me good luck with my show, nor have i talked to either of them since. today is day four after the most important school/career experience of my life thus far. its crazy how important it is that i come home for christmas and wear a fake smile and pretend to like your food but you can't even remember about the one thing i have been talking about since september. whatever. breath. 

there seems to be a trend of people who i thought were close to me just suddenly forgetting about me. but don't be upset because i didn't think you would have come anyway. 

i did a bunch of things that i didn't expect to do today. i love making TO DO lists but i don't have enough will to stick to them. the purpose of making....ya...nevermind....no one gives a shit.

i'm spent. 

enjoy my favorite song right now. 

i'm going swimming tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is all. 

loving today

its over its over its over its over its over its over its over its over its over its over its over its over

Yesssssssssss, its really done.

and it went very well. i think i made an impression. i talked out my nerves and tried to initiate conversations instead of just explaining my ideas. this is not just a pretty face was my point. i have an opinion and i want to make change. its a fine balance between telling an industry professional how you want to improve advertising without crapping on the work they do everyday. 

it feels reallllllllly great to work towards a goal, put everything on the backburner for something important and to be able to accomplish what you want. i don't have an internship this morning, but i have some great feedback to change my portfolio around and work towards it as a tangible goal. i don't want to jinx anything but a former teacher/runs his own agency was there all day and night looking at books and told me he wanted to take four of us, me included. HAPPY NESS

also included in the happiness category is an avocado on my kitchen counter that i have been saving for perfect ripeness which to my delight will be this morning. happiness is not going to school today and taking a R E S T day. it is also not being hung over today even though it was open bar..all...day. one word: temptation. i have been so good not drinking my face off recently and to be talking to people who were sipping back red wine and cold beers and having to resist, resist and resist the free, free and free drinks was hard, hard and hard. i still managed to knock back three glasses of red before they closed the bar and kicked our drunk asses out where we proceeded to go to jack asstors and make constant cheers to being awesome. nothing like drunk college kids high on industry feedback to clear out a monday night bar crowd. 

an illustration that is making me smile by patrick moberg 

the birth of my portfolio. take one.

i'm so friggen close i can taste it. it tastes better then anything prepacked or on sale. this is true blood, sweat and tears.  i brainstormed it, i executed it, i evaluated it and i made the decision to go for it. these are my babies and now they have a proper place in a proper book, with a branded business card and a mother who isn't going to take no for an answer. i will defend them and improve them, but they are mine through and through and its lovely to see them looking so beautiful. 

together we will make a platform and an impression and will plea, PLEASE HIRE ME.

spin above my head and make it right

this is me. and this is a huge mountain in lake louise. 

this could accurately represent how much work i have to do. or maybe it represents the past, or maybe its an omen for the future. it may just be my state of mind this very second. or it could represent the time i climbed to the top of the mountain even though it was the scariest thing i've ever done, complete with a meltdown halfway to the top. or it could represent how little i feel in comparison to the real world of advertising. or maybe it represents throwing caution to the wind and driving away from everything i know with the hope that it couldn't be worse. 

or it could represent not having time to blog. 

<3

love ya! when you feel stressed, just imagine that soon we will be drinking red wine together in your apartment, and drinking chai tea at that new place near your house! xoxo

wasted time running scared when all love needs is to be believed in

06 Cowboys
sometimes i forget to breath. i forget that the world isn't going to end if i don't get a headline just perfect. i forget that other people can't see all the colours i see. i forget that i got myself here, and that here is where i want to be. i forget to make lists of all the things i DID. i forget to be thankful for forward momentum. i forget to smile at the people who scowl. sometimes i forget to say please before i say thank-you. i forget to savour. i forget that the future is the future and the present is what's important. i forget that its my life, and if i'm happy with the result, then that should be the highest standard. i forgot how good tea with milk and sugar is. 
04 Sundays

you dig yourself a dream

do you have things in life that you know you shouldn't care so passionately about, but it it just beyond your control to stop it? 

I CAN'T STAND CLUTTERED DESKTOPS

and i don't mean the top of your desk, i mean the main background on your computer. so here is a nice sunday project for you. 

first step: Organize!!!

make folders and put files in the right folders. i heard a rumor once that having too many things on your desktop makes your computer run slower. i have no facts to back that up but why take the risk?

ahhhhhh...much better. now it the fun part!

find a new picture!!!!

too lazy even for that? okay I will do the work for you.. here are some of my favs... from picaboo backgrounds

and ta! da! your life is forever changed and more productive. your welcome. 

ps. notice the time...less the 10 minutes. YOU CAN DO THIS. and i won't have to hyperventilate anxiety attack every time i look at your computer. and YOU will be more productive and organized. and it will probably make your karma better, just throwing it out there. 

oh and p.s. counting crows have a new album out. i haven't even memorized the songs yet and i already love it. 

annabel & olive, crafts and cookies

it seems like every other sentence that comes out of my mouth these days is,

"Lets (insert fun, relaxing, time consuming activity here), but after my portfolio show, okay?!" 

and since my memory is non-existent (definitely not because of pot, i think i read somewhere that pot has no effect on memory..long term? or maybe it was short term? i can't remember pass me that bong eh?) i present to you a list of all the fun things i am putting off in order to get this shit done...in no particular order.

redesigning my blog header

decluttering my apartment

taking a bunch of out of season clothing home

watering my plants

writing letters to best friends in far away places

drinking whisky and red wine daily (its not a problem if you can stop!!)

cleaning my blinds

doing this in my front hall:

phoning my nana

actively emailing people about an internship

looking for a waitress job for christmas

painting my nails

framing some things around the apartment

christmas shopping

having friends over for dinner parties

looking for a kitchen table and chairs on craigslist

making veg chili in my crock pot

various projects for other classes that i haven't even given one thought

backing up my hard drive on the external

are you still reading this? 

now don't get any ideas but i found this the other day. is it bad that i love a lot of these names? they sound so innocent, and so intriguing. i want to get to know people with these names. but hell, by the time i start having kids maybe these will be really over-used. if thats the case then i could see incorporating one of them into my pottery store and cafe/bakery name, or possibly using one for my hypothetical small furry white dog with blue eyes and knitted collar. 

and this concludes this morning episode of procrastination station. have a productive day! 

dear ibook

i really need you. 

i really really really need you to be functioning properly. 

11 more days and you can die, you could even start smoking or shaking. it wouldn't matter.

but please. PLEASE please. plea se stop. 

whatever it is that your doing, that makes you so your not doing. 

love,

me. 

ps. if you do i promise to give you a thorough cleaning, inside and out and properly back you up. and i know how much you like to back up. 

google billboard search

from here

designed by Warwick Worldwide

from taxi toronto

from DDB south africa. 

a water conservation ad. from sukle ad and design.

win the war

i made pumpkin tortilla soup with avocado last night. it was delicious. 

i can't wait for the portfolio show to be over. the list is getting smaller, although the stress seems to be climbing. not a direct correlation, i guess. 

my favorite class is this afternoon. its a philosophy course called selfish thoughts. we just wrote a test that i aced while most of the class didn't. the best part is i didn't write about what the question asked, or use the text it was referring to. i argued something else completely and it paid off. its nice to see there are teachers who reward lateral thinking instead of memorization.

had an interesting discussion on the subway yesterday. i mentioned how i like to watch 'guy tv' because the ads are always clever, funny and edgy. girl tv is so lame. i could practically give you a step by step outline of how to make a deodorant, shampoo, or dishwashing soap commercial. girl tv is the epitome of advertising clutter, its all the same and its all pretty shitty. 

why?

maybe most people in advertising are male, so they can relate with their target more and push the boundaries? i used to think this but realistically...i think most women WANT lame tv. they want commercials that reinforce how they have been taught to think, they want safe. 

but for those of us with half a brain and no offspring i'd really like to see the quality of ads we watch complacently to make me think, laugh, remember. and i'd really like to be a part of that. 

nano chromatic

is the name of the new ipod nano line and its really fun to say. say it out loud, you know you want to. 

not sure what i want to write about. i'm feeling very complacent right now. definitely stressed out for sure, but its still in a good productive way.  

okay so i spelled definitely wrong in the last sentence so i ctrl click on it and the spelling options of definitely and definitly come up. luckily i have the ask a friend option, julia is laying on the flop couch beside me. she has no idea what the second way of spelling it is, how do you even say that word? what does it mean? i googled it and urban dictionary says definitly - Yet another impressively popular mis-spelling of the word [definitely]. just going to throw it out there but since when are the popular misspellings of words included in spell check? i feel like those are probably the most important words to not be in the spellcheck. 

anyway. now thats over. i wrote about always keeping moving on thursday night and its really been working for me. i don't have very much alone time, but i find i am much more productive, awake and dynamic. its hard to explain but its good and i'm not burnt out, yet. 

 

i'm looking forward to graduating. i think i am going to take a good hard look at what makes me happy every day and try to make my life filled with those things. i want to make more things. construct things with my hands and make somethings from nothings. texture is missing from my life right now. buttons, beads, paper, ripped paper, string, shiny, metal, see through, scratchy, corduroy. 

i have a little plan up my sleeve for my three favorites. its not going to be a secret anyway so i figured it would be okay to write about it. if your reading this prepare for cute little box, filled with all of the things i just listed above, give or take, being mailed to your door. you can add stuff if you want, there aren't any rules, no due dates or time limits. except one, you have to mail it to the next friend. you can make stuff with the materials and include it in the box to the next person, or maybe it would make someone else in the world smile. no rules. just crafts.

life lesson number eight-teen

if you give boys pot they will do nice things for you. 

you also need to have a nice smile to pull this off and should probably provide some kind of munchies. 

i am re executing a campaign for indietv, which is kind of like vibe is to much music. but all indie music, promoting unsigned canadian bands doing their thing. when i started this project i was under the impression this was a real station that was going to air sometime in the future, but google seems to think otherwise. anyway, we got some great shots and it was really nice to be able to work with and trust someone to do something they know far more about then you. in terms of the actual pictures they are supposed to be depicting the unglamorous life of an indie rocker and there are clever headlines and logos to follow. also, i haven't started photoshopping any of them seeing as it was shot tonight. i'm trying here people. 

the shots that were shot when shooting:

this is my attempt of art direction. then i got yelled at for being in the shot. i shut up after that and let him do his work. 

and my behind the scenes shots...

in other news, this weekend is going to be packed but i'm not going to stop moving. its my new strategy and its been working out well. if i can't be physically moving then i am brainstorming or working out headlines, or there are about a million things i need to do on the computer right now. no excuses for lazyness. 

but i am giving myself friday night off. to attempt to relax and chill the fuck out. 

holyfuckohmygoodnessfuckingeh

my goal is to have 10 great pieces in my portfolio book. because thats what my teacher told me. 

so far. 

i have 0 that are finished. 

and.

only.

19 days until i have to present it to everyone i want to hire me. 

i woke up with a 'stuck on the tracks of a speeding train blaring its horn at you in the middle of nowhere with darkness surrounds you and no one to blame but yourself' heaping of worry and fret in my stomach after this dream induced realization. fack. 

on going without stopping

set of six mores buttons by becky johnson 

when i lived in residence there was a video game that we would sometimes play. starting out small you roll around and pick up things, like a giant ball of super glue. when you are small you can only pick up small things but the more things you pick up the bigger you become and the larger things you can pick up. 

life is a lot like this game. the more you move the more you can do. the bigger things you can achieve, going from one level to the next. its a gradual switch, there are no days you wake up and have arrived at the fifth level. 

but i think its important to sit back and realize where you have rolled too. what you have picked up and what you couldn't. and much like this game, there is often no sense going back to the places you once were to pick up the things you missed. once you've started i'm not really one for going back.