i've been reading a lot about existentialism lately. i find it really comforting. but that is sort of lost when i remember i have to write an essay about something by wednesday. what is resonating with me is that we are constantly making our own choices about life. nothing is predetermined. we are terrifyingly free to choose our own fates.
in a round about way, i think that may have been why i started this blog. i wanted to have proof, some kind of record of my choices. all we have in life is the choices we make. its not really about what job we have, or who you kiss goodnight. those things are by-products of the choices we make but they only have value to you if you actively decide them. and as we are terrifyingly free to choose our own fates, we have even more to worry about with our decisions.
i have new sense of appreciation for how much control i have. i grew up in a house filled with caution, with doubt. this is where i learned how to make decisions. 'its better to be safe then sorry' is a motto that still comes out of my mouth on a regular basis. real true honesty is much easy to think about in concept then applied to real life. i find it very hard to tell people close to me anything that they don't want to hear. about decisions i have half made, that i may or may not stick with tomorrow, that are just as certain as they are uncertain.
and thats what really gets to me with existentialism -we have to constantly be remembering that we can always be choosing. there is no need for doubt because you can always change your direction tomorrow. yes, certain choices are irreversible but we are just as free to right wrongs and make new roads in a different direction. decisions are less final and less daunting when i think about them this way.