You'll know if I win the lottery because my bedroom with have this....

BED!!!!NO BED!!!!!

goooooooood morning.

NOT.

well, it was a good morning at 5:30am when i was still out having fun. but two and a half hours of sleep later, corporate office is kicking me in the face right now.

i just want to be in my bed, tucked in and sleeeeeeeeping the day away.

but i couldn't call in sick today right? its my last day. i'm telling myself i couldn't call in sick today and i'm sticking to it. guh. barf. self control. self control.

plus i made plans to go out for lunch with the other summer students/friends. so i couldn't really miss that, considering i made the reservation. hopefully i will be able to entertain the idea of food by then. usually i am mad hungry on hangover mornings, but today, huh, not so much. i have a hankering as to why that is but...well...its not blogggy mcblog material.

eww did i just say that?

i'm delusional.

chances are i'm leaving work shortly after lunch time on account of L7 being in town and the fact that i saw black spots circling my vision this morning. thats normal right?

I stole this from zoeyjane.

4 things I’m passionate about
-Best friends
-Making my own food and not putting crap into my body
-Decorating
-Making the world see the difference between a good advertisment and a bad one

4 books I’ve read and worshipped
-Fall on your knees –Anne Marie MacDonald
-The Tipping Point -Malcolm Gladwell
-The Curious Incident of the dog in the night time- Mark Haddon
-The time travelers wife - Audrey Niffenegger (omg I just googled this book to see how to spell the authors name and they are making a MOVIE of it, out in December, with Rachel McAdams!!)
-What we all long for- Dionne Brand
-(sorry I couldn’t pick just four) The Sacred Balance – David Suzuki

4 words/phrases I say often
-Like
-Meh, I’m over it
-Eh?
-I have a tendency to ask a bagillion questions in a row without waiting to hear the answers of any of them.

4 things I want to do before I die
-Travel, everywhere
-Have children and have time to properly raise them
-Own a house and host dinner parties every weekend
-Have a vegetable garden and only eat my own organic veggies.

4 things I’ve learned in life
-That I know far less that I thought I did
-You can’t assume people know what your thinking
-Having your own opinion about life is invaluable
-Wash your hands when you get home.

4 places I want to see
-Everywhere, but short term: BC and France
-Long term: Switzerland, Italy, Thailand, Rome and the Rockies (again)
-My own office
-A planet that is cared for

coffee and oatmeal conclusions

After numerous text messages and not even having to exaggerate the truth, the president has driven himself to my humble apartment for some good old fashion one-on-one time. minus the pants.

clearly, being desperate has heightened my persuasion skills.

In general my life is going pretty awesome right now.

I have a boy (a president even) to call whenever I need him. and even if he can’t be there 100% of the time, I know I mean something to him. (to pinpoint exactly what that something is has yet to be decided and the cause of the rollercoaster of emotions on my end) but regardless, I know I’m in there somewhere.

I am continuing my job at the law firm. which will alleviate some of the pressure of ‘needing a job yesterday’ anxiety that was fast approaching.

L7 is coming to Toronto tomorrow night and seeing as Friday is my last day of work for the summer and my boss isn’t even going to be in that day….probably going to be a messy awesome night.

I’m putting together plans to visit France and my best friend Cat sometime between January and May of 09. Even if it means getting a loan.

As well, I’m considering the idea of subletting my apartment from Jan to May and moving out to BC with L7. because really, why not? I’ll be researching ad agencies and in house marketing opportunities, and if I can secure a job -I’m there, hands down.

School is starting Monday and I’m not even the slightest bit worried about it. my passion is back and I know I have the skills to get it done right. and this year I am pledging to not let any debby-downers take the steam out of my ideas. and to believe in my ideas fully and to reduce my self-censoring.

Oh, and my apartment is almost all painting, which means moving into the fun accessorizing, shelf hanging, picture framing stage.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh…..

as my hero nancy botwin said, ‘the storm I can handle, it’s the calm before it that scares the shit out of me.’

and take your money

my boss just asked me to come back to work one day a week for her.

i have fridays off from school.

upside: flexible hours and if i need time off i can easily get it, looks good on my resume, might get to work with the designer more often, i will have a place to wear all my corporate clothes too, i already know everybody and it would be an easy way to make $80 a week. i don't have a job another job yet so this would mean i am not unemployed starting next week.

downside: 12$ an hour instead of whatever i can make waitressing, having two jobs to juggle, waking up early on fridays.

looks a little lopsided, no?

She wants me to think about it tonight and tell her tomorrow. hmmmmm.....

you don't call me? why don't you want to talk to me? 
i get it, you don't have long distance. why are you long distance?

good question, bad answer. 

if i understood it, maybe i could stop thinking about it. 

its been one year, exactly, since you moved away. 

since you decided your dreams were on the horizon and you were tired of looking at them from so far behind. 

since the time you told me i was your best friend. best friend. 

since you broke me. 

its been one year now, that i've been on my own.  

walking down the road alone. hop skip and jump. hop hop skip. 

except now i'm driving. 

i've got a full fucking engine of power in my hands. its fast.

and its getting a little dangerous. get out you say.

he says, you shouldn't be driving under these conditions.

except the seat is empty. your already gone.

your car was faster then mine, this is how i deal. 

In case your interested....

How to Tell When Leftovers Go Bad

picture from Jonathan Kitchen/Digital Vision/Getty Images

How much money would I have to pay you to get rachel rays face tattooed on your back?

apparently she didn't even get paid for this. AND apparently she also has a doctor phil tattoo on her lower back. barf.

this is the reason tattoos get a bad name. this is why your grandma thinks tattoos aren't classy.

GUHHHHHhhhh.

and seriously? of all the famous people to choose to get a tat of...rachel ray? despicable.

dear weekend:

i'm sad that your over. you really stepped it up this time, sun AND friends AND free booze all together? yep, s'all gooood. 

went sailing for the first time saturday. beauty day for it, sunny clear and just the right amount of wind required for a sail boat. we were in a 'race' with a bunch of other boats from the yacht club. pretty much the most relaxing race i've ever been in ha. once that was over we just tooted around, i got to drive the boat. or maybe its called steering? anyway...t'was a great time. my dad and step mom made a wicked dinner, the wine was flowing and the conversation tops. 

more to come but first some sleep....

i'm not very awake right now

but i'm still glad i stayed out late under the stars.

be back sunday kiddos!

proof i am your soul mate

i just watched the entire baseball game (with interest, i would like to add) while doing yoga, cleaning the apartment and painting my nails.

i'm sitting at work drinking (gulping) my first cup of hazelnut coffee for the day and my mind is too scattered to think of one topic to talk about right now.

random point 1) i'm going on my dads sail boat this weekend and i still don't have my camera back. luckily my new phone has pictures but its not really the same. i don't have any good pictures of my dad and i that arent 'go stand over by the fireplace and smile' crap.

random point 2) i'm glad there are people in the world who think the same way i do. sometimes they frustrate the hell out of me, because neither one of us can make decisions (case in point: after having SAT down in a restaurant decisions to change from mexican to thai, i knew we were both pisces). but the reason is because we make decisions based on emotions. and emotions are never the same day to day, and they ‘get’ that.

Random point 3) low calorie + low fat = low self esteem

Random point 4) I’ve decided to call you the president. the one person who reads this blog without fail. this ‘you’ business isn’t working out so well. I’m well aware prime minister would be a more fitting title, but it doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. so, president, I would like to thank you for the piece of gum you so kindly left me Tuesday (hah) and also want to wish you luck on your test..oh..just called you and you already wrote it. well good luck on your next one. and don't worry you will always be the 'you' in my life, its just less confusing this way.

Random point 4) I have seven days left of this job to go and then back to school. I have a lot of shit to finish up before that time.

Random point 5) Its too bad my boss here was so … faceless? she never came across as being a human. I know that sounds weird but in the four months I was here, she never asked me about my life, what my plans were for the weekend, how is your day going. normal stuff like that. I tried initiating conversations with her but they would revolve around her and her life and I never felt like we ever bonded. which is contradicting to the fact that everyone else in the department says she loves me and the work I do. I don’t get it.

Random point 6) both my parents called me last night and each of them had something worthwhile to tell me. I’m starting to have a real relationship with them, its new. we are getting over the parent child relationship and working towards a more equal one. its good. I don’t want them to take care of me any more, it didn’t help in the long run.

Random point 7) I need to get back to work.

With no loving in our souls and no money in our coats you can't say we're satisfied

blank screen, oh blank white screen.

lets play a game. 

i bet you don't think your effected by marketing or (yeh i'm going there) ADVERTISING. 

i call BULLSHIT. 

heres how i'm going to prove it. when i say the word LEMON. what do you think of? how do you describe it? what words come to your mind?

what about MINT? LAVENDER? WHITE WINE? TROPICAL? 

seriously. think of words for each......

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

i am going to tell you what i think of when someone says these things to me. and i want you to think if you ALSO thought those things. why, might you ask, would we think of the same things? because my pretty we are told to say the same things. to believe that mint is always refreshing and that lavender is always soothing. its a stereotype. its what marketers want you to believe when you bite into a piece of gum. they put those associations into our minds so that we can better identify what it is that we are experiencing. or in some cases, make ourselves believe we are experiencing. 

lemon- tart, yellow, sour, refreshing

mint- fresh, cooling, clean, green, calm

lavender- relaxing, purple, often associated with vanilla, sleeping

white wine- smooth, refreshing, light

tropical- fruity, island, berries, tangy, multiple layer taste

did you think of any of those adjectives? yeah...thought so. 

and if your being a debby downer and thinking, "but mint really is fresh!!! i think that because of what it is, not because of marketing." 

when was the last time you ate mint? just all alone and put a piece of fresh mint in your mouth? did you do it today? yesterday perhaps? no probably not. so your only experiences with mint are through packaged and marketed goods. 

moral of this drunken tale is please stop blaming advertising for everything that is wrong with society and look to those who are running our systems. you can make a difference. your not a faceless victim. stand up for what you want. and hell, if what you want is no advertising you better start yelling because whispers aren't going to stop me. 

so much to say, so little time.

Time.

the present, the past, the future.

time of your life. time of day.

work time, play time, down time, party time.

All of the things you bring into your life consume your time. people you want to talk to, want to see, want to show them you care about them. place you want to go, experience, remember. time for things you have to do, work, clean, shower, water your plants. time for yourself, to read, to recharge, and relax.

its hard to juggle.

i need more hours in the day or more energy drinks. or friends and family that live closer. either way i'm beginning to realize i don't have time for everything. but i want everything so i need to be more efficient.

clean while calling friends. don't turn on the time sucking television. don't smoke until after 7. don't sit in front of the computer instead of going to bed. throw in laundry and then go grocery shopping. be the friend who calls just to see how your day is going. make enough dinner for lunch leftovers. eat vegetables for lunch without the bread. sit on park benches.

i used to strive for quantity. but now i understand quality is much more important.

Apologies.

Are owed to you.

I blamed you for not helping me out last night. reality- I can’t remember most of last night, therefore have no grounds to make that claim. and given the fact that I woke up without puke in my hair leads me to believe you were in fact there holding it back for me. although, ha, the kitchen cabinets, floor, sink and counters did not have the same good fortune.

And what I said about that girl? yeah forget it. you were just being you and I have to remind myself that your flirty mannerism is what made me fall for you in the first place. you didn’t have to say sorry about it this morning, but the fact that you did makes you great. boys who say sorry are hard to come by.

Oh and I’m super proud of you by the way. for going out and getting your new adult job. I know what a set schedule did for my life and I can only imagine how it is going to help you. I look forward to watching how your life will change because you finally have the means (dollar dollar bills) to support your dreams.

I could really go on and on about all the ways you make me happy but I won’t because this is a blog and that would be lame. but I’m coming home to you at 5 today and I couldn’t be happier about it.

I have dreams of orca whales and owls

These pics are old-ish from about about a month ago but i left my camera at L7's camp so i have zero new picture material. but! better late then never?

this post is about how to take a pair of ugly jean shorts that you bought with your nana and thought were kind of cute at the time but once you got home realized they were not and make them into awesome whore shorts! run-on sentence much? 

okay first you need to go to the EX with your nana and walk around with her for most of the day. oh and china paint for a couple hours in a booth with her and hear her say the same stories again and again. and again and a few more times after that. so0O0.....your a little haggard and a lot looking for something to make the day better. ENTER SUZY SHIER building stage left. yes, the suzy shier building is racks upon racks UPON racks of all the 5$ shit your heart could ever desire. 

if you can notice in my shitty pictures, these shorts are very (WERE VERY) confused. they have embroidery on one leg + rips in the back + skater slash tomboy length + diamond sparkly button= confusion. so i made them a nice ass illuminating length thus resulting with a few of those nice white strings you get when you don't hem denim and added some random band buttons.                      

and what you can't see in these pictures is that i just finished painting my kitchen wearing these shorts so now they have legitimate paint splatters and one of the hips has a huge white circle where i fell/rubbed up against the wall. they are no longer confused shorts. they are now 100% white trash and i am in love with them.

holy barnyard animals!

i just realized i can check blogs from my new phone!!

oh.my.goodness.this.is.incredible.

dear phone... where have you been all my life? love, me.

Hi, its 8:27 and i've been at work for half an hour already.

just sayin.

Dear Woman at my work who shall remain nameless:

Twice yesterday I visited the washroom. And twice you were in there. And lets just say we don't see eye to eye on most things anyway, so to have to strike up two seperate conversations with you was unnecessary and should have been avoidable. but it wasn't because the first time I went into the washroom, there you were CUTTING YOUR BANGS. at work? really? and by the way, you left your hair allllll over the counter. please.
And the second time I walk in, thinking..oh shit she's here again fuckkkkkk....your WASHING YOUR FACE in the sink. excuse me? I question your judgement when you think 3:00pm on wednesday afternoon is the best time to wash your face. did you stay to reapply your makeup? i don't know, i left as soon as i could this time.
not to mention your hearing problem, that you should probably get checked out by the way, because your normal voice? yeah, its the same tone and volume most people use to yell at small children. i feel like when i talk to you in our quiet office i might as well be broadcasting the conversation over the speakers. or having self induced panic attacks. oh. and talking to you in the washroom (think:echo) is similar to when you turn on the car and you forgot to turn down the music last time you were in it and it blasts into your face causing you to jolt and skid around until you can turn it down. I CAN'T TURN YOU DOWN.
oh and one last point. try and show up to the meetings on time in the future, its really getting old.

Better luck next time,
me

you'll start to think you were born blind

Someday they'll find your small town world On a big town avenue Gonna make you like the way they talk When they're talking to you  Gonna make you break out of your shell 'Cause they tell you to Gonna make you like the way they lie  Better than the truth They'll tell you everything You wanted someone else to say

Someday they'll open up your world  Shake you down to the drawing board They'll do their best to change you  They still can't erase you

what we lost here is something better left alone

i am nervous. and very confused.

and it makes me gag in my throat and want to spit.  i can never spell throat right on the first try.

my lips turn down at the sides and i have to close my eyes. 

the universe is making decisions for me and i'm not ready for it. 

but who am i kidding? i've been running away from this one for years now, it doesn't surprise me i've finally been caught. 

don't tell lies versus don't spread hurt. the itty bitty spider went up the spout again. 

but it makes me sick to think about it. i can't stop thinking about it. 

it makes me feel like i just licked metal. and my skin is covered in chalk dust. 

please, i'm not ready for this. make it go away. far far and away. 

4:20 Coffee Break

A little inspiration from my favorite store Anthropologie.
These fish plates remind me of a plate my nana painted that hangs in her bathroom. Considering how amazing she can paint the fish plate is nothing special but I've just always loved it for some reason. a storage unit like this at my front door would be swell. and the artwork above it can be changed often so i would never have to make up my mind of what to display!
mac jokes anyone?

more anthropologie....

most adorable bathroom rug ever. I have a thing for blue dishes...

Any chimp can play human for a day. Use his opposable thumbs to iron his uniform.

Good Morning

and it really is a GOOD morning. and last night was a GOOD night, and before that a GOOD day.

my mood has swung around to being positive again. and creative, and into the 'getting shit done (GSD) mode'. it makes up for the dark days.

lately i have found a new...friend. a legal, more trustworthy partner to help me get the energy i need to GSD. one that goes in my mouth instead of ...uh huh.

his name is MONSTER. and he's tall dark and handsome.

But I never let him in my pants like this whore.....

So yesterday Monster popped into work around 4 and together we finished the day off without a hitch. then we went to go pick up my new cell phone....the SAMSUNG INSTINCT.

isn't she beautiful?

After a small negotiation with Bell I have unlimited mobile browser, 200 texts, call ID and call display and voicemail for one year FREE FREE FREE. and my plan is only going to cost 25$ per month plus the stupid access fee. sucess.

once monster and i got home we packed up three gallons of paint and caught a cab to canadian tire. (because even with monster, my arms are still weak little twigs) and proceeded to seduce the paint department tween into doing everything i wanted. i'm good like that. he re tinted my paint to a lighter shade and even gave me a brand new can of white for 8$ after dropping it on the ground, on purpose, so i could have it for a discount.

too bad you were so young paint boy, you really know how to make a girl feel special.

picked up some new accessories for my NEW bike. going to pimp him out this weekend. pics to come later...

Once monster and i cabbed it back home we proceeded to rearrange the entire apartment and prep it for painting. rearranging furniture is pretty much therapy to me...

so that, my friends, is why today is a GOOD morning.

until now.

they are pulling these ads. ha.

and the whole PETA thing? i don't eat that much meat, i prefer tofu and meat substitutes just as much as the vegetarian sitting next to me. but common. get off the bandwagon and think of your own concept to get attention.  

morning rant

DO NOT knock into me only to steal the seat I have been waiting four stops for when youuuuuuuu just got on the train. nu uh. pisses me off.

oh and i noticed you weren't wearing a wedding band. i'm NOT SUPRISED.

and ps your ugly and your face looks like an owl mixed with a rat. NOT a good combo.

soooooo toronto: watch out for the ugly rat owls with a warped sense of seat entitlement. psh.

dear planet.

your so much more complex than we give you credit for.

you don't just move mountains. you make them.


i've forgotten to think about you.


about what you want, what makes you happy, what helps you.


but your all i have. and all i will ever get.




by some fate i am here on this planet.

i wasn't born with clothes, with shoes, with anything.

except you, planet.

your all that we really ever get. that is ours through fire, wind, tornado.

i will always have this planet.

and i think i have been taking advantage of you.

humans have done well for themselves in the game of life.

this is because of want. 

want is kind of like desire.

but want is more elusive.

desires are filled. but want will never go away. 

sticks and stones and weed and bongs

i have a bit of a plan for this blog.

which is good because i've been really preachy lately. and i dont want to lead you to belive i'm much of a role model.

random things i just thought about because i'm stoned. very much so indeed yes. the list edition:

-just making the realization of how much i love to make lists. my mom made lists. the was always things to get done, people to talk to, places to go and things to be bought. she worked hard, got shit done.

-i don't get a lot of shit done. for there being so many hours i am awake these days. i haven't slept very much lately.

-i'm pretty sure i may have passed out last night. like actually fainted.

-i really want to post the mia song paper planes because if you haven't heard it, get ready for it. every single person who hears it gets addicted to it. true fact*.

-i have good days and bad days. friday was a bad day. my liver is currently under intense strain from the buildup that was friday.

-there shouldn't be laws about doing drugs and alcohol. if it makes you feel good i think you should be able to do it. if there wasn't laws about these things nothing would really be that different. your not just going to do shit because all of the sudden you can, when you couldn't before. because if you truley wanted to do something, then you will find a way. but you don't because you don't want to, not because of the law.

-laws are the new religion. i would bet that right around the time laws were invented was the same time people stopped believing in god.

-i don't belive in god. i'm not even going to capatilize his name, because i don't like capitals and i'm not scared of a man that doesn't exist.

-this list is a running dialoge of things i am talking about in my head. nope not thinking about them. talking about them.

-i am going to go eat a salad and sleep for more hours then the last four night combined. hopefully. its on the list, so maybe it will get done.

*based on person market reasearch. my success rate so far is 100% so i'm feeling pretty good about that.

one line, two line, three lines, more

The closer I get to feeling
The further that I’m feeling from alright
The more I step into the sun
The more I step out of the light
-soco

i'm feeling really down. down. tired. black. angry. lost. hurt.

i walk around and stare at people. it makes them uncomfortable. just returning the favor.

everyone knows pieces of my life, knows one storyline and not the other. i weave intricate webs that twist and float by reality. you'll get caught. instead of being prey you'll turn around and eat me. eat me. good. great. garbage.